Ivf, this magical hope to those who have, for whatever reasons not been able to conceive naturally themselves.

I am on his journey. I have already started my first cycle, and it was NOT the scary, emotional, stressful situation that everyone describes it to be. Of course, it’s a bit of a headache attending the early morning appointments, especially when you have to get there over an hour early to your appointment time just so you can find a parking space, only to be greeted to at least 12 other people who have the same idea as you…thus, leaving you all squeezing in the doorway to avoid the dark, wet morning, staring at each other wondering what each persons reason for them being here is.

Have you got blocked tubes like me? Is it make infertility? How far are you in your journey? Have you already got children?

The questions.

Once in, you find yourself in the cycle. Your cycle in fact. Never before did I notice day 1-11 of my cycle, I now know how and when to expect ovulation, how many cycle days I have and what exactly happens inside my body during his monthly patrol.

I, the great hypochondriac…with the needle phobia thought this was all going to be a massive fuss, something that I couldn’t get through, however, I found the whole process mildly pleasant. The nurses really helped me through what I needed to know, willing and ready to answer any (stupid, and they were mostly stupid) questions.

I blinked (with the sound of my best friends soothing songs every 8am) and the needles were done. Here I was, ready to have the egg collection.

BLAM – there was the pain, excruciating. I never want to have his again! Not only was a double dosed on pain killers, the gas and air had filled my head and nausea was imminent. What I didn’t realise was, that in the battle to beat my body and try to conceive naturally, the 9 previous abdominal surgeries I’ve had has now left my abdomen in a scarred tissue haven. This was not a help at all for the poor doctors who had to deal with me hysterically screaming and working around during the egg collection.

But it was done. 9 eggs collected, I had reacted well to the treatment and even though one side of my body was a total mess that didn’t give me anything, my other side had not let me down 💪🏽

Transfer day – the fact my battered cervix made the transfer a battle and a 10 minute procedure now took 45 mins….it was easy.

The 2 week wait is hell.

From feeling sick when trying to do my weekly shop, wondering if I should lift anything, should I take a test? Has it worked? I was so tired…but alas, it was over and the day to find out was here.

It had failed.

So now I being another round, this time on a natural cycle, hoping and praying that this is my time, this time, I won’t have all the drugs in my system so fingers crossed.

My time will come. I know it. I have made a baby book of my journey and it is a lovely was to look back at my egg picture and to know what I have done to try for my little one.

But if it is some help to anyone, I was the calmest I’ve ever been during my ivf cycle, and I still failed. It is a matter of rolling the dice and hoping. Have faith in yourself and your body…everything that is meant to be will be!!

For now….it’s me and midget


Midget & me

I never quite understood why people love their dogs so much. I mean, it’s an animal that requires so much work, you have to walk them everyday – regardless of the weather 😰 you have to train them to go outside when they need to, you can’t really take hen everywhere, you have to give them a social life, but you don’t want them to be too social…there really is so much!

But the love….the love you receive for your hard work is truly out of this world. No-one will love me unconditionally like Midget, she doesn’t care if I’m a mess who wants to be a slob all day, she loves me wether I’m rich or poor, she doesn’t care who or what I do, how many friends I have, where we live, all that matters is that she is with me. That she is loved and cared for….by me.

She has become my little “fur baby” and I could not imagine how such an animal could have changed my whole life in 2 years. She has made me more responsible, more caring, more (dare I say it) loving. I love my dog, even going a night without her is hard to fathom…often leading to numerous hourly phone calls to my mother to make sure she’s ok. I know her. She knows me.

Midget truly is my best friend. My fur baby, someone I can ALWAYS rely on. Because in the end, she fills the emotional void I have and I provide her with her necessities for life. A team. A match made in heaven….

And I would never change a thing about it….except maybe the amount of kisses she feels she needs to give me😂🤦🏽‍♀️


Find your craft

I had some time off from my blog, needed some time having being so busy trying to sort out my business. MY business.

A hobby it was, but now, I’m making candles as a business…and loving it. From something that started off simply as a way to save money- I now make money.

Now, I’m no Jo Malone and in no way am I trying to be so, but it’s something that I love, something that is therapeutic, takes me away from the daily stresses of life…bills, bills, bills <insert destiny’s child>

Growing up is a lie…they never taught me about bills when I was in school – no, it was all algebra, chemistry and a tad of drama…and all I learnt from that is that bills and money handling would be complicated, how not to burn food and how to act surprised when the credit card bill comes!

But in reality…they never informed me of the fact that if you don’t find something you love to do, you will be dreading every working day, slowly counting down the hours waiting for that large hand to hit 5pm!

But with my candles, I can fall back in to the childhood creativity lost in adulthood, I can imagine all the ideas and attempt to make them in wax. My wax creations, sort of like Madam Tussaud’s but less rich in expense…I created MY dream, my dream that I shall hope that one day will be appreciated by the masses.

The dream to create, to love what I do, to love other people finding joy in what I have made…to provide a reasonable priced candle that everyone can afford, one without the fancy branding and promotion that increases pricing.

A quality candle that smells like how it is supposed to, not just a facade that is sold due to fancy packaging.

And here I am, 2 years on, growing and learning and (trying to) perfect my craft. And I will get there, it may take me another 5 or 10 years. But I will.

Because I am Spanna 💪🏽

I am (Lil’) Spanna.

I had a moment whilst walking Midget this morning.

As i hazily walked whilst she ran off into some undergrowth (an increasing habit of hers which is starting to make me wonder if i have a dog or a badger….) I noticed the trees.  Trees, these big wooden things that have for centuries given us so much.  They not only give us the means to live by absorbing toxins and creating oxygen, but they also give us shelter via their wood, they give us ingredients for warmth when we make fire but most importantly (for Midget) they give us wet soft leaves that we (SHE!) can roll in, leaves that cover up hidden poo….(Thumbs up trees!)

Trees, you can see their roots break through concrete where people have tried to hinder their growth, they break through.  They are decimated because they “are in the way” or they are “old/rotten” etc.  Trees have been around for years beyond us, they have “seen” the times change, the kids who carved their loved up initials and are now adults.  They bare the scar of a childhood dream, a love story once so meaningful.  They bare the weight of swings and bring joy to those who use them.

Seriously, trees are great things, i am a tree, spiritually.

Strong – Lasting the test of time, gracefully moving with the wind

Flexible – Changing with the seasons, allowing for regrowth in the spring

Provider – Giving of life, providing for the smaller beings that require shelter, food etc

Protector – Allowing protection from the elements and enemies of the smaller beings.

I reach up high, to gain my energy from the elements, i flourish in the summer months, with my colourful glory and pride on show – in the winter, i come back to recount of what went well and what went wrong through the year, i take this time to settle down and prepare for another busy period of regrowth and transition.

The tree, when many are together they are a fearful sight in the dark, but often admired when they stand alone.  They are used, they are loved.

They are needed.

Go and give a tree a hug!

Curly head dilemmas!

I have curly hair.

And much like me, it refuses to fall into a category. There is no 3C 2b or 4c curls around here. It simply is. Curly.

Wild bush head is a nickname I often give it. Now, it’s not unruly (not all the time!) we have good days, we have bad days, we have days in which I totally believe there is enough protein in these strands to classify it as it’s own being (with attitude honey yaaasss)

I have tried all the creams, the techniques, the updos and the protective styles. But my hair, it does not want to be tamed. Just like my star sign (Leo) my mane wants to be free, loud and bold.

I don’t like when people want to touch it, when people stand and stare (clearly they are in awe!) I also, REALLY REALLY DO NOT LIKE When people inform me that my hair “looks so much better out” well, my straight haired friend…you would be surprised to know that no. I did not wake up like this, I do not rise from the bed with perfect ringlets and tamed baby hairs… NO. I spend almost 20 more minutes on this mane when it wants to be free than I do when I have it neatly tamed in a bun…(my buns are never tamed!)

I spend those 20 extra minutes, layering the lotion and serum on sectioned hair partings, combing through my morning dreadlocks that my erratic sleeping manner has caused…I do this, with all hope and prayer that there shall be no humidity, no rain, nothing…nothing that could disrupt my masterpiece of fine strands…

And NO. I do not brush my hair…..(I’m sure this will be a whole other topic)

So here I am, preparing myself to go out, now a sweaty mess due the heavy arm workout I’ve just endured….praying for the perfect weather that the UK will never bring….

Wish me luck.

Home working or working on home?

Working from home has its perks…

You get to stay in bed and get paid, you decide when to get up and get dressed, hell….you don’t even HAVE to get dressed! You can catch up on the FILTH of what daytime television brings and maybe even catch up with some of the chores (it was a busy weekend!)

All this of course, whilst working…

But then there are the negatives;

You can stay in bed, maybe not even get dressed…you can catch up on the daytime filth and entertain your busy mind with chores…

Maybe even have a nap…

It’s all a matter of how dedicated and determined you are…I guess, how much you are invested in your work. Are you working for someone else to get rich or are you building your brand? What do you want to achieve? Are the benefits of home working keeping you focused and away from temptation or are the home comforts making you weak?

As Xmas is approaching and outside is getting colder, I’m certainly becoming more and more distracted by the dirty marketing of advertising telling me that I should give in to this one day of the 365 we have and start to buy….and as I’m probably still in my pjs, laid in bed after my “power nap” I should probably order online, because let’s face it, who wants to go out into the cold when you really don’t have to?

And then there it is. A new distraction. Not only did I spend the day ordering Xmas presents online….I now face the impending procrastination of waiting for packages, waiting for the joy that shall arrive with the postman…(12pm -ish- he normally arrives)…so then I wait…the longest morning in the world, I’ve ordered and I wish to receive.

12:23 – he’s not here, he’s not coming? I bet he only has bills for me!…maybe, just maybe, my packages are so heavy he has to deliver everybody else’s post first?

Either way, this can only mean one thing. Clean the house, I mean, how could I possibly do work when my environment needs cleaning? The postman is expected and will CLEARLY distract me when he arrives, so I clean…

13:03 – he’s finally been with a parcel. However, I realised. I never pressed next day delivery….

This parcel isn’t for me.

Dark days and early mornings.

Hello again!

If you’ve managed to find yourself back here. Give yourself a tap on the back!

I purposely chose the title as that is surely what this time zone has become since the clocks went back…immediate thoughts were of joy that not only do I get one hours extra sleep, but it also wouldn’t be so dark when I take Midget out to walk…

Well, what I also seemed to have forgotten was the fact that it also made the night come quicker, meaning my evening stroll with Midget would become one of fear and anxiety not knowing where the next dog would come out from.

I hear voices in the park.

Voices that echo through the trees. I got scared by a leaf blowing across the ground this morning.

Meanwhile, Midget was having the time of her life playing football with her tennis ball 🙄 whilst I shake in fear wondering if some WOLF is about to jump out and bite her little head off.

Midget is a loving dog. More of a lover than a fighter. Always willing to befriend anything and everything (I mean this in the most literal sense, she once spent a whole walk with her new found leaf friend?!) but the world that we live in is far from friendly, I mean, we can teach this to kids as they grow up and start to understand, but how do we teach this to pups without them being attacked or mauled and causing them behavioural issues? Maybe I just don’t know what I’m doing. Maybe, my fear of dogs is flooding back? Maybes….the world being full of them and until I can get over the fact my growing dog child will continue to love until she is scorned (hopefully quite nicely) by a “friendly” dog…then I shall remain in daily fear of having to sacrifice either myself or my pup to a hound of blood hungry, flesh eating wolves…

Or maybe I should really cut back on the horror movies 🤔

And so the routine that I have stuck to for the back year returns, 6am wake up call from Midget, drag on walking clothes and prepare to face the bitter cold air, whipping my face as I reminisce on the warmth I’ve just left of my cosy bed…. is it worth it?

Probably not, but my dog has needs and it allows me to do my daily chores in peace when i get home, knowing she is walked, fed and watered and is gently snoring away having her usual dog dreams….watching her, I realise..this is it, this is peace and tranquillity…the joy of having a dog, the love she gives, the excitement and joy knowing, I did this. I made this little dog happy…

only for her to kick my cereal off my knees during her erratic running dreams.

Bless her.

Midget & Me

Who is Midget? Midget is my adorable, hyperactive diva of a dog who i have now had for just over a year….

She is definitely a strong minded being who knows how to get her own way (she’s way too spoilt when it comes to belly rubs)

She’s my first dog after having a horrific phobia of dogs (Wolves as i used to call them!) with their skin piercing teeth, their beady, evil scheming eyes and various other descriptive words that resonate fear into the hearts of men!!

I wanted a French Bulldog.  I was adamant i was getting one.  Where the fear of dogs had disappeared to, thats for inspector morse, James Bond (<insert relevant detective here>) to find out….

So i scoured the internet for dogs and found an advertisement that would allow me to “view” this ginger rat of a dog and i thought what better way to gain the experience of looking at dogs, getting to know the right questions to ask and to prepare myself for dog ownership other than to go and actually visit one in it’s natural (i don’t say this literally of course) environment.

Well.  One trip to Leeds after work later and i had a dog!  A stinky, crying rat dog that did nothing but throw up, fart and leave runny slugs of whatever it was fed in the last 12 hours in my car all the way home….

Well…that was just the beginning of what would eventually become a close bond of an excitable, curious dog and a slightly bemused, terrified owner…

Stepping in like you know me.

But you don’t.

And you probably never will. Do i even know me?. Who knows.

Whoever knows anything right? Maybe confidence is all a front and what we all mask is a shell of insecurities?

Annnyway, I was asked why I was starting a blog. The reasons I couldn’t really say, maybe a place to vent my frustrations as it’s not so acceptable to throw yourself on the ground and have a temper tantrum as it was when I was a baby.

After great thought, I’ve decided. Maybe it shouldn’t be all about me, who really cares about yet another person behind a few screens typing nonsense about their thoughts or opinions…(however it shall certainly contain some of my unjustly rants)…

But here I go, to embark on something new, because that’s what makes life great right? New experiences!

Signing off for now…

Lil Spanna